21 day fix. day 4. and then reality sunk in.

i almost named this blog "f*ck day four". but for my jesus-y readers, i figured i'd save the profanity for the first sentence.

i'd like to say that things went well today. and on the whole, they did. compared to how i was eating a week ago? huge improvement. but compared to days one, two and three? i fell off the wagon a bit. so let's talk about it.

today i worked from home because of the aforementioned work picnic, so there was no need for the 5:30 wake-up call. we woke up naturally. or at least, as natural as it is to wake up with a toddler standing eerily close to your face whisper-yelling "mom! mom! mom!". breakfast this morning did not get photographed, and frankly it was unmemorable. 
greek yogurt with berries, and "breakfast quinoa"
which was a mixture of half oats/half quinoa with peanut butter, cinnamon, and almond milk.

this is the 2nd time this week i've had yogurt as my protein in the morning and my day hasn't gone well. let's note that for the future, mmm'kay?

after breakfast i started work. then i took a break and got in the workout for today (pirates. or, um, pilates). i don't know what i thought pilates was, but i was wrong. she kept saying that the moves are supposed to connect with your breathing, but good lord, she was huffing and puffing at a pace that was making me dizzy and frustrated. so i just did what i could and tried to keep my breathing in line with the movements.
she called this our "active rest day". rest my ass.

after this, i got to eat! this workout-then-reward system is working awesome for me.
another amazing pumpkin smoothie. staged on our deck.

10:45. headed to the work picnic. part of what i've learned this week is that planning out your menu is the key to sticking with an eating plan. i've had a plan for this whole week to include things like this picnic, so i kind of knew what to eat going into it.

but i've always known what to eat, you know? and it hasn't, well, worked. knowing is one thing, but having the practices in place to act on what you know is a whole different thing.

12:00. time to feed on/with work people. the picnic was catered by famous daves bbq pit. i don't know if they actually call it a "pit" or not, but bbq food has always been gross and "meh" for me so calling them all "pits" seems fitting. i was actually grateful that it wasn't catered by my favorite restaurant or something else that would've been hard to resist.

this is a picture of the aftermath. i don't know how to take a picture of my food in front of other people without seeming like a weirdo. so i pretended i was on facebook ('cause that's not weird?) and snapped this pic of my empty plate.
two big portions of salad greens, a tablespoon of spicy macaroni and cheese because OMG.
and plain shredded chicken with a squeeze of barbecue sauce.

and that's it. literally. that's it. i didn't get into the chips, or the mayonaise-heart-attack coleslaw. or the potato salad. or the cookies. or the soda. i was SO F*CKING PROUD OF MYSELF that i could've floated home on wings of arrogance. ah, but pride cometh before the fall... so just you wait for it.

2:30. home from the picnic, snack time!
here're those containers, in the flesh! cherries and cottage cheese.

3:00. work things. and then i took the kids to a splash pad to spend some time with them because i don't really get to. it was awesome and terrible all at once. it was about 85 degrees and dry, so perfect for swimming, but both of the kids just kind of stood near me like they had never seen water or other children before. there were about 12 other kids playing in the sprinklers and buckets, and my two children just standing next to me. after a frustrating 30 minutes of me pretending that a bucket of ice cold water dropped on you with no warning from 40 feet is fun, zeke sliced his toe open. so we headed home.

4:00. i knew i had a yellow container to contend with, and didn't want to eat quinoa and rice. so you know what i did? i put tortilla chips in there. yup. look, the food book says you can do this, but warns you that calories like this won't fill you up. boy, are they right. as soon as i finished that yellow container, i went ravaging for anything else i could find. but note - i did not try to eat another container of yellow, because i knew that i only had one left for the day and was saving it for a glass of wine tonight. nailed it.

olives! crammed some olives into a blue container and ate the eff out of them. carrots! celery! another teaspoon of the amazing dijon tuna salad!

i don't care who you are, where you're from,
what you did, as long as you love me.

see? total shit.

5:00. to make matters worse, thursday's are brinner nights in our house (breakfast for dinner). we usually do pancakes for the kids, some kind of egg dish or frittata for us, and bacon. so here it is and i have to make bacon for dinner. BACON. i love bacon almost as much as i love red wine. i see now why my beachbody coach jenn told us to get rid of anything tempting. she listed off things like fudge and oreos, but those never really tempt me. my temptations are stinky cheese, tortilla chips, olives, pickled anything, and bacon. and i didn't clean the house out of that stuff, so resisting this bacon took literally every once of energy i had.

i'm having a bit of an existential problem with a diet that forbids bacon. but i'm reminding myself that this experiment is for 21 days of clean(er) eating and after that if i can find a balance with a piece of bacon now and then and continue on my getting-stronger-journey, that'd be awesome. because i have the feeling that turkey bacon likely tastes like cardboard.

anyways, back to dinner. i did really well. didn't eat the bacon and had my allotted containers of two veggie servings and eggs.
garlic roasted brussels sprouts and broccoli.
eggs with kale and onions.

and now i'm sitting here enjoying my first glass of wine of the week. it's a small one, but a nice one.

typically on days like this, where i don't stick 100% to my plan to "eat right" or "exercise more", i throw in the towel and give up. what's the use, i'm never going to change, i'll always look/be/feel like this, so just give up and go back to drinking too much, eating too much, and hating myself too much.

but i am not giving up. i am not giving up. you hear me blog space? i'm not giving up this time. because here's the thing. this time has to be different. i'm 36. i'm too old for this gain-weight-lose-weight rodeo and would really like to just be who i was meant to be. i have children watching my behaviors and depending on me to be healthy and strong. and i think today it kind of hit me... this is how i have to eat and live from now on. moving more, lifting heavy things and pushing heavy things, and eating real food. this is about 21 days, yes. but it's about more than 21 days. this is about changing the rest of my forever.

until tomorrow,
ashley "back street's back alright" rebekah

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