fuck you, pioneer woman... and other thoughts.

did i get your attention with the title? did i? well, you're welcome, and thank you for continuing to read as we get to the point of this post.


real food days 3-5, and a recipe

as far as eating whole, real foods instead of fake wanna-be-foods that are more sugar and chemicals than real nutrients, days 3-5 were about 85% on track. the truth is, i still have a couple bags of dutch crunch potato chips in my house. and when i'm tired and stressed, i just want to shove all.the.chips into my face. so, now that i've done some grocery shopping and successfully pushed the potato chips off on my husband, i think this week will go even better.


real food day 2.

today was amazing! totally awesome! couldn't have been better!

just kidding. it fucking sucked.


work lunches, salads, and read food day 1.

today was a pretty good day. i love these early autumn days when the skies billow with layers of grey clouds that look like a well-worn fleece blanket. the leaves are peaking late in minnesota this year, so there's yellow and green and brown and red and orange and pink all around us, all at once. and today, the wind was just whipping through my hair and my coat, just begging me to stay home and make some stew instead of going to work. but off to work i had to go, since i had a hoity-toity work lunch to attend. it wasn't really hoity-toity at all, but it was paid for by someone other than me, so i consider that to be the upper echelon of employment. someone pays for my food while i'm on the company dime. i have arrived in life.


there are words. so many words.

it's been a while. it's been so much of a while that i don't even really know where to start with what to say as far as my absence, what i've been doing, the weight i've lost, then gained. blah, blah, blah, boring, boring, boring. instead, i'll just write a story and share some words. because i tried to post this as a facebook status, and The Facebook blocked me (too many words). so. enjoy.


after. day 73.

i kind of can't believe it's been 73 days so far this year, this year of my 'after'. i kind of thought i'd have lost 20 pounds by now. but i haven't. in the words of kj2 and axl rose, "patience". seriously, since or before axl, has anyone been that hella-good of a whistler? i'll answer my own question: no. but then i'll also ask this question: are the pelvic thrusts really necessary during such a sweet and lovely song? the answer is also: no.


after. day 72.

it's been 14 days since i posted. where, oh where, have i been? i'm going to tell the truth. and it's not going to be pretty. you may or may not want to proceed.


after. day 58.

when you finally hear for certain, after months and months of rumors, that approximately 30% of your company's headquarters location is getting handed their severance package in the upcoming months, one tends to eat one's feelings. and that's what i did today, starting at approximately 5:30pm. i ate all of my feelings... from sadness, to anger, to resentment, to quaking fear, to loneliness, to regret. i ate them all. but here's the thing. i can get away with this occasional descent into emotional eating without ballooning up over 200 pounds if i exercise consistently and make consistent healthy decisions about 80% of the time. so between the hours of 5:30pm tonight and 8pm tonight will have to be filed in that other 20%.

and thank you for your concern, but no, i did not get laid off yet. but the chopping block is likely hitting close to home (this i know at my manager's heeding to "just be ready. that's all i can say. just be ready. i know i am.") so it's time for me to start looking elsewhere.

much like when i started looking for a life partner after having babies and said "i thought i was done having boyfriends when i started having babies", i'm having similar feelings to all of this news: "i thought i was done looking for work when i turned 36." not so, my friends. not so. here's to hoping that my actual age of 36 looks more like 26 on my resume and someone wants to hire me for a job i don't hate at a salary that can support 4 people plus a dog.

on to today!


after. day 57.

i'm sure you've all been desperately missing me. maybe this picture will help you figure out where i've been:
alka selter cold. emergen-C immune +.
and my angry mug of coffee.


after. day 46.

4:00am. awakened by nash hovering over me, saying, "mom, i threw up in my bed." in my pseudo-slumber i kind of half-doubted her, that maybe she was just looking for an excuse to snuggle. so i replied with "no, you didn't..." "yes, i did!" the badger got up to assess the situation, and a few seconds later i heard him say "oh, she sure did." she isn't typically our vomit kid, so to say i was surprised would be an understatement.

i shared the situation with The Facebook this morning:

so yes, today was our anniversary. and we spent it intermittently cleaning up whatever nash expunged from her stomach and sleeping.

9:00am. i made myself some breakfast. this was supposed to be a pumpkin-protein-pancake, but something changed in the chemical makeup of the pancake with the addition of the pumpkin. so it turned into more of a "sweet scramble". but it was still good.

sweet pumpkin scramble. strawberries. water.
and we went through 2 pots of coffee today.

around 10am, nash said she wanted to "nuggle" with me and watch a movie.

this after insisting that i put on the movie 'brave' for her.
i dragged a chair into the bedroom, hooked up the laptop, got the dvd, turned it on,
and she promptly fell asleep.

1:00pm. i fixed myself some lunch.

again with the sweet potato hash.
and sriracha. i.p.t.s.o.e. (i-put-that-shit-on-everything)

i would've liked to have gotten in a workout today, but i didn't. i'm pretty exhausted from everyone being sick last week, the insomnia of this week, and the vomiting of last night. so instead of going out for a run this afternoon, i took a nap.

nash wouldn't eat or drink a thing all day other than a few sips of water, and then all of a sudden around 4pm, she decided that nothing had happened and she was fine.

kids are amazingly resilient. and mine will likely still need therapy as adults.

<insert brief pause in blogging while i... oh, um... uh, honey? get the bucket...>

so i guess she didn't really rally. at all. it was a very brief foray into health until about 5pm when she vomited again. at 5:30, she said she wanted to go to bed, and neither she nor i were interested in trying to feed her dinner. her because she's sick, and me because i don't want to clean up any more vomit today.

6:45pm. dinner. homemade chicken noodle soup. zeke gobbled it. nash slept through it.

lots of leftovers.

today's triple triumph's:

  • i did not get on the scale today. on a day like this, who needs it?
  • i slept when i needed to, even though my training plan said to run. no one is gonna die if my training plan isn't crossed off completely as scheduled. i needed sleep. i listened to myself.
  • i drank a lot of water today.
until tomorrow,
ashley "down with the sickness" rebekah

after. day 45.

i did not sleep one wink last night. not one. i was supposed to have a 6:00am appointment with kj2 for a workout, so i was in bed with the lights out by 9:00pm. at 10:30pm, i decided to get up and take a benedryl because i still hadn't fallen asleep. at 1:30am, i decided to text kj2 and tell her that i would not be coming because i had not yet fallen asleep. and at 3:00am? well, now i'm just fucking pissed.


after. day 44.

day 44 could also be subtitled "i've been wandering in the dessert longer than jesus himself and enough is enough."


after. day 43.

i'm just warning you that today started out, on a scale of  "1" to "awesome", at a 3. for no particular reason, either. just general malaise and despair at yet again realizing that even after 30+ days of having some pretty consistent good habits with exercising and eating real food, my pants are still uncomfortably tight and i still cannot wear half of my wardrobe.


after. day 39.

after months of shared sickness and sleepless nights, the badger and i have taken to sleeping in separate beds. but last night, he finally got back into the "marriage bed", and we both slept like babies. big, fat, snugly-winter babies. welcome back, badger.


after. day 38.

so after i hit "publish" on last night's blog post, i shut down ye ole laptop, got my ritualistic glass of water that goes on my nightstand, checked on/nuzzled N & Z, and crawled into bed. and i laid there. i fucking laid there until 2am when i finally decided that all the deep breathing, attempted meditation and muscle-by-muscle relaxing was not going to help me sleep. i stumbled downstairs to the kitchen to take one of my favorite sleep supplements (it's basically melatonin) only to discover that we were out. but there was some benadryl, which always knocks me out in a pinch. so down the hatch it went, and off to sleep i (finally) went.


after. day 37.

6:45am. i was awakened by the sound of nash saying "mom. mom. MOM! quit breathing in my face!" at some point she must've crawled into bed with me and in the dark and wee hours of the night, i must've obliged. because there she was, all 43 pounds of the-child-formerly-known-as-baby-A, cuddled up in the blankets with me, asking (nay, telling) me to quit breathing on her. no, nash. you quit breathing on my face and get out of my bed... is what i thought to myself. but since i'm a mama now, albeit a very imperfect one, i simply said "okay", and got up.


after. day 34.

i have absolutely zero crappy pictures of food to show you today. you're welcome.


after. day 32.

well, the igor-eye has improved significantly. i texted my mother a picture of my face around 4am (i'm sure she loves this) and said "well, we aren't exactly sprinting out of the woods yet, but i think it's getting better." my poor mother. even though she's been retired from her career as a nurse for a handful of years, the work of motherhood never ends. speaking of text messages at 4am, maybe you are wondering why i was up at 4am?


after. day 31.

oh my god. you guys. grotesque and vulnerable pictures to come. this post is not for the easily nauseated or faint.


after. day 25.

i think i'm ready. i think it's time. i've been in an abusive and one-sided relationship for a long time, and i've put up with the abuse long enough. i am breaking up with my scale. it is nothing but a liar and a mechanical beast which robs me of all options for joy on any given day. "sorry, scale. it's not you. it's me."


after. day 24.

5:15am. alarm goes off for my booty call. no, not the kind of booty call you're thinking of, more the kind of booty call these girls are talking about. a good ole fashioned a.m. sweat fest with kj2. i turned the alarm off and laid there for a few minutes trying to figure out if i was actually going to get up. i did.


after. day 23.

6:30am. my alarm went off. that's right people, the first thing that woke me up was my alarm, not the children. i am going to count this as their first day "sleeping in".


after. day twenty-fucking-two.

i'm just warning you. i'm crabby, super down on myself, and don't want to talk about it. i mean, i've said it here, so i've obviously opened the door a little bit for an explanation. all i'm gonna say is this: the badger basically breathes air and loses 4 pounds in a week. i work my ass off at the gym and change my eating habits, and i gain weight. it's not fair.


after. day 21.

you know that air supply song "even the nights are better"? that song is fucking bullshit as soon as you have children. your nights aren't better. your nights are a terror. a constant guessing game of whether you'll actually sleep, or be kept up all night by the children birthed from your loins. i guess this is the price you pay to continue the human race - you will never sleep again.


after. day 20.

i'm gonna start this blog by telling you about my day, and end my blog by asking you to do me a favor, or a "solid". so hang in there with me until the end.


after. day 19.

last night was a rough one at 1918.


after. day 18.

remember that 6am run i was supposed to do? didn't happen. but it's not my fault. the badger was up most of the night sick and at some dark hour in the night/early morning, he asked me to stay home this morning to help with the kids. i'm starting to feel like we need to move to california just to dry out and stop being sick all the time.


after. day 17.

i'm going to walk you through a day in my life. or, as nash would say "a day in the life!" as in, "this is the life!" get ready for a whole lot of exciting and/or boring details.


after. protein pancakes and probiotics.

it's been a few days. i don't have anything thrilling or life-changing to say, but maybe that's just my impression of my own thoughts, and all ya'll think that the words that pour out of my mouth are thrilling and life-changing. doubtful.


after the macaroons.

the last time i did anything remotely resembling an athletic activity was 6 weeks ago. so today, i decided it was time to shake off the cobwebs and get my floppy ass to the gym, since it's god-forsaken cold in minnesota right now and i do not run in temperatures below 10 degrees. my intention was to hit up a treadmill for 2-3 miles of walking or running. but everyone else's new years' resolution apparently trumped my morning plan.


after yesterday comes today.

i didn't post last night because i was busy being a mom and relaxing after a long day. sorry i'm not sorry.


after the antibiotics fuck you up.

if you don't like complaining, skip this post entirely. or at least scroll down until the shitty food pictures start.


after. day 2.

i ate a lot today. but it was all real food. so if i'm fat, i'm fat, well-fed and happy.


after. day 1.

in the words of my friend amy (who is utterly fabulous and you should go follow her blog right now), "i'm back, bitches".

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