i know what you're thinking...

actually, no. no, i don't know what you're thinking. but i have enough clarity of thought today that i figured i'd sit down and get it all out for you, my lovely readers.

it's been an interesting couple of weeks since i last posted. let's start with last week's journey through fresh hell. nash had this massive relapse of bronchitis that we thought she was cured from. but 3 days after round 1 of antibiotics, she was hacking up really disgusting things. so on monday afternoon, we hiked it back out to her pediatricians office who took a very serious, long and hard listen to her lungs. after about 2 minutes of dead fucking silence, save for nash's wheezing, our doctor looked up at me over the pasty face of my daughter and said "well, she has pneumonia. her lungs sound like crumpled tissue paper."

atta girl!

our ped didn't think it was severe enough to warrant hospitalization or inhalers, but gave us a prescription for z-pac and sent us on our way. fast forward to 2am. nash came into my room and i heard her squeak out "mom? i can't breathe..." and when i turned on the light to look at her, the skin around her lips was grey, almost a lovely tint of blue. when she tried to take a breath she sounded like a cross between a 70 year old smoker and a dyson.

being an asthmatic, i knew not to panic. being a mother, i totally fucking panicked.

i threw her into the bathroom, now 3:15am, and the badger turned on a hot shower. steam helps when in respiratory distress, yes? i don't know. we're stumbling through this parenthood thing like everybody else and we get lucky on occasion. she started to get some pink color back into her lips and as i fumbled around in the dark looking for a bra and some semblance of an outfit that i could wear to the emergency room, zeke came into the bathroom and said "what is all the racket about? i'm trying to sleep!". thanks for the support, zeke.

by 3:30am, we were off to children's hospital emergency room. the good news? ER's are relatively quiet at 3:30 in the morning. i've been to ER's at all times of the day and night, but never 3:30am. at all other times of the day, save for this precious little window of opportunity, ER's in minneapolis are like JFK international airport: constant commotion, very little english being spoken by or to anyone, long lines, lots of germs being coughed in your face, angry and desperate people weeping, etc. you get the picture. oh, but this ER at 3:30am on tuesday was quite peaceful, almost spa-like. we were triaged (is that a word?) and sent back to a room right away. they quickly gave nash some albuterol, which is the same emergency asthma med that i take, and nash handled it all like a champ. by 5:30, we were home eating peanut butter toast... because there was no fucking way that nash was going back to sleep after being escorted all over town for attention and straight adrenaline.

all of this to say that when i have nights like this, i lose so much momentum with eating healthy and exercising that it's ridiculous. i seriously do not know how other thin/healthy/strong/fit mama's do it. i think being kept up at night is a pretty regular occurrence in motherhood; it kind of comes standard with the whole package: "here. have a crying baby, some saggy skin and stretch marks, and oh yeah - you're never gonna sleep again. now spend the next 30 years trying to lose that baby weight! have fun!" how do you other mama's do it? seriously. i'm asking.

because of this lost night of sleep, i felt like hammered poo for approximately 48 hours and didn't prep any meals for work so i ate things like oreos, cheez-its, mini-snickers, and other "found object" food at work. and i didn't work out one damn bit, save for the bicep curl to get the oreos into my mouth.

when i confessed all of this to my personal trainer last week, she brought up this idea of "minimums". like, when i'm up all night with a sick kid or insomnia, what are my minimums? what can i do at a bare minimum, to move/use my body in a healthy way that doesn't make me feel like i've lost everything? i guess i could walk an extra block to the bus, or take 15 minutes and walk around downtown during my lunch hour. what can i grab to eat quickly that is healthy and a good choice for me without shoving my face in a bag of chips? a think thin or quest bar and an apple are better choices than the hydrogenated oil cookies.

sometimes i think that part of my problem is how i grew up (no, mom, i'm not blaming you for anything...) but i was not an athletic child and did not come from an athletic family. as the great art film of our time so succinctly states, "my childhood abuse was mostly musical in nature...", i spent my time sitting on a piano bench or on my butt as 2nd chair trumpet. being athletic did not come naturally for me. i had a brief stint as a soccer player, i think i was maybe 5 or 6 years' old. but i remember tripping over the ball more than kicking it, and spending more time face down in the grass after tripping over my gangling legs than running up and down the field like everyone else so effortlessly did. then in 8th grade, i joined cross country track, but quickly realized that i literally hated running longer than 10 minutes. and as i watched all the beautifully popular and svelte girls sprint like gazelles ahead of me down willow avenue, i realized that being athletic was just not in the cards for me. so i went home and played some debussy and forgot all about those girls... sort of.

i realize that there are adults who lose weight and get in the best shape of their lives with bigger demons to conquer than these. but these are my demon on the road to healthy, and i have to work every day to remind myself to do something active or not eat crap.

so i'm working on developing my minimums for when i have rough nights/days, and in general i would say that i am making better choices when it comes to what and how much to eat. i still make shitty choices, but i would say i'm up to about 70% whole, healthy choices and 30% "drink gin straight out of the cat dish" choices. so we're moving in the right direction here.

until next time,
ashley "i ain't no gazelle" rebekah