21 day fix. round 2. you had it coming!

well, round 2 of the 21 day fix is over! here are my stats:

are you kidding me? i am not giving you any of my stats. because i don't know exactly what (the fuck) happened, but it all fell apart. i didn't gain back all 7 of the pounds that i lost in round 1, but i came pretty darn close.

impressive. i know. you don't have to tell me.
remember my proclamations of "i'm not giving up! not this time! i'm sticking with this!"? turns out i'm a lying whore, and it's all documented on this blog.

as i look back on my posts of this 2nd round (all posts here), my inconsistency is alarming. i thought blogging about it would keep me on track. it didn't. it kept me honest, but it did not keep me on track. which just goes to show that you have to change inside of yourself... you can't rely on external forces to make you change. sure, you can blog, create accountability groups for yourself, sign up for weight loss challenges, pay extraordinary fees to run some races, but if something inside of you doesn't change, your habits won't change. and you won't change.

the fucking simple truth told fucking simply. you're welcome.

the last week of the 21 day fix is supposed to be pretty brutal. like, you only eat poached chicken breasts and steamed broccoli for every frigging meal (including breakfast) and then you drink coconut oil, put your face in a vat of angry bees and workout twice each day.

wanna know how brutal it got for me in this last week of the fix? here's a bullet point list of the highlights:
  • hit snooze on my "hey fat ass. get up and work out!" alarm 7 out of 7 times. that's 100% accuracy! nailed it.
  • got elbow deep into a 4 pound bag of candy corn. i don't even like candy corn. but i bought it "for the kids" and then got into it, like, really into it myself. oh for shame.
  • i had an extraordinarily difficult day on sunday and ate my way through the entire emotional gauntlet: fear, acceptance, loathing, grief, anger, denial... my emotions fed themselves on such things as bacon, candy corn (fuck. someone take this bag OUT OF MY HOUSE), caramels, tortilla chips, pickles, beer bread, 1/2 a bottle of red wine (over the course of the whole day, don't freak out mom) and pirate booty.
note to self: shopping at costco is awesome when you're trying to feed two ravenous and growing 5 year-old's on a budget. costco is not awesome when you try to see just how much of that gigantic bag of pirate booty you can eat in one sitting before your ears start to hurt.

whenever i used to have tough weeks with my personal trainer, i would often mutter the words "gosh, i don't know what is wrong with me!" and she would very wisely and patiently tell me "nothing is wrong with you..." and then she'd rattle off that i'm a busy mom and coming back from a knee injury and lifestyle changes are hard and i'm sabotaging my efforts by thinking that something is inherently wrong with me when i stumble or backslide in my endeavors to eat healthy and get stronger.

so in light of that and this embarrassing failure of a 21 day challenge, i'm beginning to think that i should take a different approach with myself. for example, my first bullet point above? my alarm does literally say "hey fat ass. get up and work out!". funny? yes. attention getting? you bet. but maybe i should start by trying to love myself with where i am and how i look now and maybe that's the last little bit i'm needing in order to make these changes stick to the insides of me and not just something i do (or don't) for 21 days, so that it becomes the way i live my life because it's a better way, a more whole way, a happier way, a healthier way.

so maybe one of these should be the title of my 5am alarm:
"you look so pretty when you first wake up. let's get your sweat on!"
"good morning beautiful. do something nice for yourself right now before your children remind you that you can't have nice things!"
"when you sweat you look like kate winslet."

i don't know. what do you think?

ashley "apparently, this is my first rodeo" rebekah


  1. from your mama...I feel so bad that you feel so bad. I LOVE the redo of alarm ideas. one 'atta boy' is better than 10 'get up fat ass'. geeze if my alarm said that I'd stay in bed all day, after throwing it at the wall.
    Trite as it is, glass IS really half FULL, kid. Practice 'half full' not 'half empty' living....it is truly a choice. Love you, beautiful!

  2. Hey! I have been reading your blog for a few minutes--hopping around while looking for some 21 day fix recipes. I'm a coach too and I'm finally trying the fix. I just ate two tiny milky ways and a little bag of cheese its...

    the struggle is real.

    I know you hate the idea of shakeology, but try it! It really does help you cut your cravings (But it doesn't take the cheese-its away, unfortunately)

    keep on with your bad self

    and yes...change the alarm!


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