a look back on 2015, the "after" that just wasn't

as i look back on my blog posts from 2015 (that encompassed all of january through march, and then 4 random posts this past fall), i'm sad. okay, not really sad, more, just disappointed. in myself, in my wavering commitment, in the fact that i spent the year continuing to be a fatty-face. now that i've hooked you with this positive introduction, please don't leave! it's gonna get better. i promise/it has to...

here's the deal. i'm in a fat phase (fat, for me). and you know what i realized sometime this year? it's totally fucking okay. IT'S OKAY. my body weight-fat-skinny-fat-curvy journey has always been that. a mother fucking journey. i've had years where i starved myself and ate only dots and coffee (junior year of college) and could wear size 8 jeans without doing any work. sweet. then there were those handful of years that i ran a shitload, divorced my first husband and spiraled into a numbing depression. size 8 jeans again mother fuckers! then i decided to run again, and run again, and run some more, and run a half marathon - size 8! but then i messed up my knee and got depressed about that, and ever since then, i've tried a little bit of everything (paleo, 21 day fix, 100 days of real food, personal training, tiu) ... without committing, truly, to any of it. and i've kinda stayed the same. just kidding. since 2013, i've gained about 15 pounds.

and it's okay.

it is. it's okay. you know why? because i am fucking awesome. i am. i have so many good things in my life right now. i'm not trying to run away from a cripplingly sad marriage, or a job that i hate, or friends that really aren't friends at all... things in my life are awesome, and i'm pretty awesome. so i'm a little bit heavy right now. BFD.

sometime around mid-july, when the badger and i were neck-deep in yard and house projects, and the last thing i wanted to do was go for a run or go to the gym, i decided i was just gonna have a fun (fat) summer, drink/eat/do whatever i want, and when i was ready to change my habits and start feeling better about the size of my ass, i'd know what to do and would do it. but not this past summer. and not this past fall...

and then in december, i started to get that itch, that urge, that desire to run. to just run. so i went out for a run on december 30th, and i remembered that i love running. i think over the past few years, i've just had too many commitments, too many interests, too many-"hey, i might lose 20 pounds in a week if i do this!"-ideas, and it's just been too much. if anything is gonna help me get my body back to where i feel the best, it's gonna be doing what i love, and doing it consistently. and what i love is running.

so i'm gonna run.

and i'm gonna eat real food.

and i'm gonna try and talk about it here on the blog. not sure if i have the capacity to blog every day, but i will commit to writing at least 2x's each week. because don't you all just love it?

and yes, the "hey girls" will continue.

additionally, i know from experience that at my ripe age and weight-to-knee-cartilage ratio, i have to do some strength training to balance out the running so i don't fall apart. so i will be doing that a couple of times a week as well.

and that's it.

run. eat real food. do some strength training.

2016 is going to be my bitch. i don't know that i'm gonna lost 20 pounds, but i'm gonna stop beating myself up for not.

until next time,

me.