there are words. so many words.

it's been a while. it's been so much of a while that i don't even really know where to start with what to say as far as my absence, what i've been doing, the weight i've lost, then gained. blah, blah, blah, boring, boring, boring. instead, i'll just write a story and share some words. because i tried to post this as a facebook status, and The Facebook blocked me (too many words). so. enjoy.


my facebook feed has lately been filled with mom's being all mother-of-the-year and shit (look at the organic eggs and local bacon i got my kids to eat for breakfast before heading off to our amazing charter school! look at their neatly pressed and coordinated outfits! and doggone it, they were at the bus stop 10 minutes early, and i went off to the gym to get in my workout! huzzah!). i'm not going to name names, but you know who you are. so to keep it real, here's my mother of the year update for today:

we had a super rough night last night. nash has been battling some weird tummy bug that is only affecting her ability to (or frequency of) poop. i've never quite seen something come out of anyone's butt this color/texture/shape? but i'm not a nurse, so i'm sure it's normal for a tummy bug. but anyways, it's been a colorful few days. she's acting fine and eating normally, so i'm not really freaking out... yet. but she's been getting up 2-3 times a night to go to the bathroom. and the bathroom light shines directly into our bedroom. and she always forgets to close the door. and she always forgets to turn off the light when she's done. so, when she gets up? we get up - to either flush the toilet, close the door, or turn off the light. it's just how life goes in our 1300-square-foot house.

well, last night, after her standard middle 'o the night tango with the porcelain throne, she got back into her bed. and i got out of bed to go turn off the bathroom light (see previous paragraph). i climbed back into bed and was trying to fall asleep, when i heard her approach and open our bedroom door. she's not necessarily crying, not necessarily in hysterics (yet), but definitely upset. she yelled in our general direction "i can't merrk the swirlly things sterrrrp in my brrrrrrrn". i poked john and said "did you understand that?"

"nope."

so i asked her, "what, nash? what is it?" and she again screamed at us: "i can't merrk the swirlly things sterrrrp in my brrrrrrrn!!!!!!!". again i said "nash, i can't understand you. what IS it?!?!" and she screamed, slowly and with deliberation, "I CAN'T MAKE THE SILLY THOUGHTS STOP IN MY BRAIN!"

the night/morning went downhill from here. we tried to put her back into her bedroom, which she shares with her brother (who thankfully can sleep through pretty much anything, a beneficial life skill), but she kept screaming and sobbing. and parents? here's the thing about the whole 'cry it out' technique: IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK WHEN YOUR KID IS OVER THE AGE OF 2. so john and i took turns going in and out of her room to comfort her, but honestly, our comfort was manifesting itself as frustrated commands of "go to sleep!" and "that's enough now!" and "stop crying!".

not very comforting, in hindsight.

finally, after about 45 minutes of this rodeo, i went into her room and clawed my way into her bed. the poor thing was truly distraught and terrified of something. she kept saying "i can't stop the silly thoughts!". she said she saw a skeleton dancing on her wall? and that she saw a hand reach under her closet door? and that the picture she painted that is hanging by her bed was alive and trying to choke her? people, i have not even started decorating for halloween yet, so this does not bode well. to her skeleton comment, i said "honey, we're all skeletons! underneath our skin is all just funny bones and stuff!" that didn't help. like, at all.

after sitting on her bed with her for a while and not knowing what else to do, i asked her "honey, do you want to pray or something? because i'm kind of out of ideas..." this is about the level of faith i have these days, but maybe this is when god hears us the most; when She senses that we're just kind of at the end of ourselves and the end of all things. nash nodded yes, and her 3am prayer went something like this: "god, i know that you are here in this room with me. so please keep me safe and help the silly thoughts to stop so that we can all go back to sleep and mommy doesn't lose her shit. amen."

a few minutes after this, she finally quieted down. not asleep, mind you, but definitely calmer. by this time, john had moved to the spare room to sleep, levi and marvin had completely taken over our bed, and any chance of me sleeping at all was pretty much a lost cause.

at some point, we did all finally fall asleep. john got up to go work his early shift, and i turned off my 6:30am alarm. the next thing i felt was zeke's hot breath in my face saying "mommy? i think we need to go to school now..." i looked at my phone and it read 7:40. SEVEN-FORTY. the school bus comes to the corner at 8:10. EIGHT-TEN.

nash had finally fallen asleep, so i left her alone and helped zeke get dressed and threw a clif bar at his face. i then went to wake sleeping beauty to get her dressed in the outfit i had set aside for her yesterday since today is fucking picture day at school. putting tights onto a half-limp/half-asleep child is something they should teach you in those stupid pregnancy classes they make you take. i got her dressed and threw a clif bar at her face, threw the order forms for fucking picture day into their backpacks, and off we marched to the bus.

it was at this point that i realized that there are other well spoken and well dressed parents at this bus stop with whom we've started to make acquaintances and who know us by name, and i am not. wearing. a. bra. ladies, i don't know if you've seen my boobs? but i should never, ever, ever go without a bra. i wish that i could get away with wearing those cute lined cami's, but when i do, i look like one of those packages of schweigerts natural casing wieners.

don't i look cute in my camisole and cardigan?

so i did my best to walk down the street with my boobs tucked up and under my arms which i folded across my body, while also trying to finger-comb my children's hair because i realized that i hadn't brushed their hair. like, at all.

did i mention today is fucking picture day at school?

now would be a good time to share with you that when john gets the kids ready for school, they are dressed, their beds are made, breakfast is eaten, the dishes are done, their teeth are brushed and hairs all combed and they are usually at the bus stop 5 minutes early.

at least my kids had clothes on and ate something that we could maybe call "food" and made it to the bus. the rest of the details can stay where they belong - with the devil.