totally freaking the f*ck out (or, my first half marathon is in four days...)

my first half-marathon is this saturday. last night, after a 30-minute-pity-party about how much i've fallen off the running wagon these past two weeks, my mother said to me "well, you've got some cramming to do this week then!"

i know that she means well and that my endeavor to run 13.1 miles is quite a foreign thing to her. but the thing is, you can't really cram for a half-marathon in the last week. i don't know much about racing, but i know that. with only four days to go, if i'm not ready now, there's not much that can be done.

my training plan was 16 weeks long. i wonder if that was too long of a plan for me as about two weeks ago, i hit some sort of physical and emotional wall and just didn't want to run any more. every run either a) totally sucked, or b) totally hurt. i chose this long of a plan on purpose because i wanted to give myself plenty of time to build up my mileage slowly as to avoid yet another running injury. 

what i've been up to the last 16 weeks...

my longest run was just shy of 13 miles, three weekends ago. and it just about killed me. when i hit the end of that training run, i collapsed in tears on the rain-soaked ground and tried to choke down some gatorade inbetween the sobs. it wasn't pretty.

since then, i've been icing, stretching, and running shorter distances. i ran 10 last weekend and felt amazing. and then this past weekend, i didn't do a damn thing except drink way too much old style and lie in fetal position, simultaneously saying to myself "i can't do this!" and "i have to do this!"

any other runners out there play this jekyl-hyde game with themselves? the one where you absolutely know that you can do something, but some other voice inside your head tells you that you can't?

in other moments of hot panic throughout my life, i have played this little mind-game with myself to help calm down... "what are the things that i know?" asking myself this question helps to weed out all the noise, anxiety and unanswerable questions and get back down to the basics of whatever the situation may be. so. for this week and this race, here's what i know:

• no one is making me do this. i signed up for this race on my own.
• i've followed my training plan about 85% of the time over the past 16 weeks.
• i should trust my training plan to have gotten me ready.
• this is not the week for self-loathing and self-doubt.
• this is the week to hydrate.
• this is the week to eat a bunch of bagels.
• this is the week to get some good rest.

and so i may not know the following statement, but i am going to have to choose to believe it:

• i am totally f*cking awesome and am going to rock this thing.

i may not finish in under 2 hours (my "a" goal - which may be only slightly unreasonable for my first half). i may not finish in under 2:15 (my "b" goal - this was what i ran the 12.93 miles in three weekends ago). but. i know that i will finish.

in the words of one of my best friends, whose words helped me more this morning than she could ever know...

don't think too hard about it.
just do what you always do.

put on your shoes, turn on your music and start running.

and that is exactly what i will do. t-minus 4 days and counting...