after. day 72.

it's been 14 days since i posted. where, oh where, have i been? i'm going to tell the truth. and it's not going to be pretty. you may or may not want to proceed.

not sure if you heard in the news that target laid off 1,700 people last week. well, in the weeks prior to this happening, there where whispers. rumors. meetings. warnings from managers saying things like "just be ready. that's all i can say. get your resume up to date, get a LinkedIn account if you don't have one... just be ready." and i handled this with the utmost of professionalism, grace and trust.

um. no. no i didn't.

on the day of the "just be ready" meeting, i had wine for dinner. how much wine? i thought it was half the bottle. but the next morning when i looked, it was more like 75% of the bottle. atta girl. you'd think that with all that alcohol, i would've slept pretty good (read: passed out sufficiently enough to forget reality). i did not sleep one wink.

the next day i came home from work, shaking and in tears at the thought of what was going to happen to my family if i got laid off with what feels like an unemployable resume, a savings account with a balance of $0, and a career history that jumps around more than taylor swift. i did not sleep on this night either.

the next 5-6 days followed in similar fashion. booze. sugar. carbs. insomnia. intermittently having panic attacks followed by crying sessions and applying for all.the.jobs i could find that i seemed at least 60% qualified for and could bullshit my way through a cover letter stating that i was 150% qualified.

of note: this is not a good way to apply for jobs or make a career move. a better way to go about this is from a place of peace, rest, and confidence, not over a barrel facing unemployment and spiraling in panic. but who of us, really, ever does this? don't we usually go looking for a new job because some sort of crisis or external force requires us to leave? or are you one of those people who just peacefully blisses through life and listens to that inner voice that tells you to make a career move long before that crisis or external force squeezes you out of your job? oh you are one of those people? then you, oh pollyanna, should not be reading my blog. we have nothing in common.

then came the day of the layoffs. i'll spare the details because, to completely understate what went down, it was a fucking shitty day at work. i did not get laid off, but many of my good friends did, and about 30% of my team. we're now left wondering what to do, kind of staring off into space, unsure how to do the work that the 1,700 people did who are now gone, and not sure who our manager(s) are.

but things haven't been total shit. my girlfriends talked me into running the get lucky 7k last weekend. i registered back in january, but i decided two weeks ago during my booze and sugar fest that i would not be running it. i hate racing a race and not being able to 'race' it... you know, run it faster than last year, PR, etc. but my friends helped me see that not all races need to be raced. sometimes you just need to get out there and do it. because you paid for it. because you committed. because it will help you shake it off (2nd taylor swift reference of this post! wtf?!). so. i did. and i had a blast. i seriously think it was one of the only races that i've smiled entirely through.

for being completely under-trained and unprepared,
i'm happy with running 4.35 miles in 45:15.

so. i'm feeling pretty positive right now. i still have a job. whether i like my job remains to be seen. and i've gotten some mojo back for running after having a great time at last weekend's race. the snow is almost completely gone and it was 70 degrees on sunday, and i've been sleeping like a hybernating bear the past few nights. so really. things are looking alright from my view of the world right now.

on to today!

9:00am. breakfast. this is much later than i've been eating breakfast the past few months. to tell the truth, i struggle eating right away in the morning but i've been forcing myself to do it because of all the blogs and articles and nutritionists that say to eat right away. i'm not sure it's working for me. so i'm gonna try and just listen to myself and eat when i'm hungry. today? that was at 9am.

whole milk greek yogurt. red quinoa.
chia seeds (i owe you shannon!). strawberries.

10:30am. i got hungry again. really truly hungry. i can tell the difference now because when i'm emotionally hungry (sad, tired, stressed, scared, anxious, lonely, angry), i want cinnamon rolls and fritters and muffins and chips and donuts. when i'm really truly hungry, i want eggs and kale and hummus and bacon and almonds. i really wanted eggs and veggies at 10:30, so that's what i did.

this was so fucking good. and so fucking glamorous. #ieatatmydesk

12:30pm. lunch time. leftover greek salad from last night, and quinoa with black beans.
bucket o'salad... followed closely by...
jar o'quinoa and black beans and avocado

the rest of my day was meh. not pictured is the 1/2 a bagel i ate around 3:30pm. i knew i was gonna go for a 3-4 mile run after work, so i figured, meh. carbs.

the run tonight was glorious. 3.2 miles in the almost-but-not-quite-yet-warm sunshine.

6:15pm. dinner. yum! we made pea pesto because the children were with the man who sired them and on nights like this we can be a bit more adventurous. it turned out really good, and we're gonna feed the children the leftovers tomorrow. we'll see how it goes.
green. all the green.

today's triple triumphs:

  • i ate when i was hungry, and mostly real food.
  • i got in an awesome run.
  • i had 7 servings of fruits and veggies today. i'm aiming for 9. i'm getting closer.

until tomorrow,

ashley "gainfully employed" rebekah

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