3.03.2015

after. day 58.

when you finally hear for certain, after months and months of rumors, that approximately 30% of your company's headquarters location is getting handed their severance package in the upcoming months, one tends to eat one's feelings. and that's what i did today, starting at approximately 5:30pm. i ate all of my feelings... from sadness, to anger, to resentment, to quaking fear, to loneliness, to regret. i ate them all. but here's the thing. i can get away with this occasional descent into emotional eating without ballooning up over 200 pounds if i exercise consistently and make consistent healthy decisions about 80% of the time. so between the hours of 5:30pm tonight and 8pm tonight will have to be filed in that other 20%.

and thank you for your concern, but no, i did not get laid off yet. but the chopping block is likely hitting close to home (this i know at my manager's heeding to "just be ready. that's all i can say. just be ready. i know i am.") so it's time for me to start looking elsewhere.

much like when i started looking for a life partner after having babies and said "i thought i was done having boyfriends when i started having babies", i'm having similar feelings to all of this news: "i thought i was done looking for work when i turned 36." not so, my friends. not so. here's to hoping that my actual age of 36 looks more like 26 on my resume and someone wants to hire me for a job i don't hate at a salary that can support 4 people plus a dog.

on to today!


5:40am. alarm went off for a morning run, but i just could not get up. someone, please, give me pointers on how to accomplish morning workouts/running. if i don't get my workouts in before my day gets going, it often doesn't get done. and i've gotta start gettin' 'er done. so please. i'll take your advice.

7:00am. up and at 'em and i have to face "day 3 hair" and the inevitable somewhat-disheveled top knot that i've gotten away with in my 5 years of employment at target. if i have to face interviewing elsewhere, this will never fly. i am going to need to start showering and giving at least a shit.

breakfast was something i've dubbed the "immunity smoothie" - 2 clementines (peeled. duh.), 1/2 a frozen banana, greek yogurt or protein powder (today was greek yogurt), a couple chunks of frozen pineapple, spinach or kale (today was 'nach) and coconut milk. i also had about 1/4 of a cup of this whole foods knock-off version of kashi go-lean. it's delicious and i've been afraid of cereal for years. but i'm not going to be afraid of cereal anymore. i used to eat this shit like crazy, i loved it! and this was back when i was on my first weight loss journey from 210 down to a svelt (for me) 165. so fear cereal no more. however, i forgot that it sends me instantly to the toilet. maybe that's why it helped me lose nearly 40 pounds? all the shitting?
eat.all.the.fiber.

i headed into work with the requisite "hey did you hear that insert-fear-mongering-about-layoffs-and-severance-packages-and-who's-gonna-get-it-next-rumor-milling..." and around 9:30 i decided i was still hungry. this wasn't emotional eating. i was actually a little hungry.
steel cut oats with something i can only assume was flax meal.
i added chopped walnuts, cinnamon, a splash of cream (because. fat.)
and 1/2 a banana.

this held me until lunch at 11:45am:
huge salad. portion of leftover lasagna,
of which i ate 80%. FTW mother fuckers!

2:30pm. then came the dreaded email from our chief whatever-his-face-is about our new strategy! and it's gonna be awesome! and we're finally gonna make some money in our digital and mobile space! and all ya'll who support stores are old fuddy duddies and are getting canned! that's not verbatim. that's just my interpretation of the email.

cue instant desire to eat.all.the.things.

but i didn't. i knew there was a pan of leftover chewy fudgy frosted brownies sitting in the common space. but i didn't. i knew there was a bucket of hershey's kisses down the row. but i didn't. instead, i did this:
celery and leftover tuna from yesterday. and i ate about 10 almonds.
i didn't religiously count them, i'm just approximating
that i ate 10 fucking almonds, okay?

so. i managed that 3pm panic-attack-fear-and-loathing-in-las-fat cells. but then it kind of started to swell up on me, like a tidal wave. i had quite a bit of work to do, and i got swarmed down into it, and the next thing i knew it was 5pm. and i should've gone home. but instead i kept working and thinking about how i both love and hate my job at the same time. i love it because it offers great flexibility to work from home when i've needed to, and the company has recognized that i'm capable and smart and worthy of promoting... but i hate my job because people don't follow process and they make more work from me and it's a management-down problem in my department, and i'm not really doing anything to make the world a better place. i'm just approving fucking working orders for fucking snow vendors to show up at our stores and do the job they're supposed to be doing anyway, with or without my approval, and i am contributing absolutely nothing to make the world a better place and it all just feels meaningless and void of value and why did i bother getting an expensive degree in music that i rarely use and seems unemployable and... oh boy, we're smack dab in the middle of that sneaky hate spiral.

seriously. take a break from my blog and go and read about the sneaky hate spiral. because she totally fucking nails the artistic/introspective persona and how quickly it can gain control over everything.

so. sneaky hate spiral. full down in it. so i ate reeses pieces. and then i had a grilled cheese and half a bottle of wine for dinner.

that 80/20 thing? i think i'm more at 60/40 for the week so far. so i gotta have a super clean wednesday-thursday-friday-saturday-sunday if i have a prayer of liking myself at all by next week.

i don't know you guys. i guess i have to find a new job and try really hard not to wind up as a paper pusher or dry-clean-getter ever again in my life. you see, when i quit my job at the mega-church circa 2007 in the most glorious of ways (by nearly suing them and then taking my severance payout and having the best summer ever), my severance eventually ran out (patron will do that to ya'). when i had to actually find a job, the only job i seemed qualified for after having the word "church" on my resume was to be someone's admin (read: paper pusher and dry-clean-getter). never again will i do that. but i'm somewhere in the middle. i'm not CEO-ready (yet), but i'm not an admin. alas. struggling and un-/under-employed lower-middle class, here i come!

sincerely,
ashley "the grilled cheese was fucking delicious" rebekah

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