after. day 43.

i'm just warning you that today started out, on a scale of  "1" to "awesome", at a 3. for no particular reason, either. just general malaise and despair at yet again realizing that even after 30+ days of having some pretty consistent good habits with exercising and eating real food, my pants are still uncomfortably tight and i still cannot wear half of my wardrobe.

let's stop here for a second and talk about expectations. now, i would consider myself a realist. not a pessimist and not overly optimistic either, just a realist. in light of that, i honestly didn't think i'd get down to 160 pounds in 30 days. but when i see friends of mine on facebook all like "yeah, baby! i've lost 19 pounds since january 1st! new wardrobe for me!!!", and the scale in my bathroom has moved a measly 3 pounds since january 1st? well, i want to pretty much kill them and myself. and then burn all my clothes and eat all the things.

so that's how my day started. this after oversleeping by a good 30 minutes. so i did not pack myself a decent breakfast, nor did i have time to eat at home. on my commute into work, i thought about my options: go to the cafeteria at work for some eggs, veggies and coffee? boring and hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past 30 days. hit up caribou coffee and get one of their baked goods? meh, that sounds pretty good, but their baked goods just aren't that "good", despite their name.

and then, it hit me. allie's! i haven't had one of allie's scones since i was pregnant with the twins and eating for three. they are the size of a small planet and probably at least 600 calories. and some of them even have frosting on them! good grief, frosting! as i stood in line to pick out my carbohydrate-and-sugar-bomb, i saw the other options on the menu: a breakfast sandwich, a yogurt parfait, steel cut oats with fresh fruit... all would've been good "after" choices. instead, i made a choice that was so very "before". i rolled up to the multiple trays of scones and after badgering the nice man behind the counter as to what each flavor was (why they don't label these is beyond me), i decided on the apple-SINamon-streusel. i took it back to my desk, and there it laid, staring back at me with all of it's sinful deliciousness and sugar-coated guilt. and i took a bite. and it was pretty damn delicious. and about 1/2 way through the thing, i did consider wrapping it up and stopping. that would've been a very "after" decision to make. instead, i plowed through the whole fucking thing unapologetically.

people. i think this is the reason my pants don't fit.

you'd think if the scale isn't moving, that'd i'd try harder! eat more cucumbers and work out harder! replace all the chocolate with all the kale! but no. when the scale doesn't move, i totally fucking sabotage myself. this is some form of mental illness, but i'm unsure as to the official diagnosis.

i'm happy to say that my self-sabotage stopped after this scone. i realized that i was being self-destructive, and got back on the horse. i realized that i have to have a longer view in this. a life-long view, in fact.

10:45am. i heated up my lunch, much to my coworkers chagrin who smelled me walk by with it and said "really? lunch already?" and i replied with "whatever. i'm hungry." we're friends. it's okay. anyways, my lunch was a leftover melange of shredded pot roast with roasted artichokes and carrots.

i spent the rest of my day intermittently working and trying to figure out why having a linkedin profile is important.

4:30pm. i went to my strength training class which made me feel both weak and strong at the same time. weak because i still can't keep up with the skinny 20 year old's whose abs haven't been torn asunder by babies, and strong because i can do more than i could a month ago.

after class, i grabbed a bus and headed home. it's a glamourous life i lead.

6:30pm. the badger was in charge of dinner tonight and made the most delicious cumin-lime chicken which we had over cauliflower rice with tons of peppers, onions, mushrooms, fresh tomatoes and avocado. and, i took about 80% of what i would normally take. i ate the whole thing, nearly licked my plate clean in fact. but it was 20% less than i would normally eat.

8:00pm. i was still a wee bit hungry and wanted something sweet, but instead of reaching for candy or truffles or cookies, i made myself a slice of ezekiel toast with peanut butter and a cup of hot tea.

side note: i should really get the candy, truffles and cookies the fuck out of my house.

so you guys. i don't know. don't feel sorry for me. this is just how i'm feeling today.

ashley "there's always tomorrow" rebekah


  1. My unsolicited advice. Stop weighing yourself. That number is a mind trick. Also. Eat a scone from time to time. And enjoy it. Then keep on keeping on because you're doing amazing! I need a tea and toast date with you soon!

    1. tea and toast sounds heavenly! send me an email, let's get it scheduled my lovely!


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