1.29.2015

after. day 25.

i think i'm ready. i think it's time. i've been in an abusive and one-sided relationship for a long time, and i've put up with the abuse long enough. i am breaking up with my scale. it is nothing but a liar and a mechanical beast which robs me of all options for joy on any given day. "sorry, scale. it's not you. it's me."

i don't know why i keep getting on the fucking thing. i do believe it's some kind of addiction. i know, in my brain, that i'm not going to see any real movement in the number until these new habits become my lifestyle... until some time has gone by with me being consistent in my commitment to eat intentionally and move frequently. i know that the number on that scale is just that - a fucking number. but i let it own me. i was feeling pretty good this morning when i woke up, having worked out 4x's this week already, eaten whole nutritious food about 95% of the time. but no. the number had not moved. in fact, it's gone up! mother fucker, i'm fatter than i was on sunday.

i know this is mental. i know it is.

i sent my mother a text this morning to the tune of "i'm going to be fat forever. i fucking hate myself". about an hour later, she sent me a brilliant email in reply. below are the real nuggets that i'd like to share with you now (capitals letters hers, i'm assuming for emphasis. italics are my notes so you can keep up):
"LISTEN TO ME NOW. the thing that makes everyone fail at dieting is just what you're doing - 1) think of it as a diet, this unpleasant and arduous thing to achieve a goal, therefore you 2) step on the scale and get your hopes dashed. as hard as it is, you must REPROGRAM yourself. judas, with all your shrink stuff you paid for, you should know how to do that by now. if you don't, that was wasted money [she's referring to my amazing therapist who got me through 3 really hard years, and probably saved my life]. put the scale down in the basement and do not get on it for 3 weeks. if it's near you in the bathroom, you will succumb to stepping on it. it WANTS you to, so it can look up at you and tell you to go FUCK yourself. STOP doing the "if / then" and take the next 3 weeks to reprogram your mind. 
you are more than just hormonal at this time of the month, you tip the scales to psycho... and your baseline is kinda iffy, so... :) [thanks for the smiley face on that one, mom] chalk it up to that weird double-ovulating thing you do [hi, nash and zeke!], but you are TOTALLY certifiable bitch queen nuts. this is not the week to get on the scale. SO STOP IT. if you PERSIST in these new good habits, you will have a pleasant surprise when you have to walk around all that shit on your stairs to get to the scale in the basement in 3 weeks. 
you inherited grandpa phil and aunt beverly's body type [my father's side of the family] so when you put on weight, you put it on below the waist. and it will only go one direction if you do not change how you think. especially because you are on the dark side of 35. [is this like the dark side of the moon that pink floyd was talking about?] if you want to get to a certain weight, fine. or, learn to embrace being beautiful the way you are, because you are.
so i'm going to move my scale to the basement for the next three weeks. this is gonna be hard, but i have to do it. i have this weird fear that if i don't weigh myself every week that i'm gonna balloon up to over 200 pounds, like, overnight. the truth is, i've been weighing myself every week for the past two years as the scale has slowly crept up 20 more lbs. weighing myself 2x's a week hasn't done shit for me. so, i know that this obsession is mental illness. and it's time to cut it off.

6:40am. alarm never went off. i was woken up by a combination of nash coughing and zeke asking me to help him make a hot wheels track. at 6:40am. in the dark. before coffee. i think not, zeke.

7:30am. breakfast.
cherry kale smoothie. and ezekiel bread with peanut butter.
because kj2 told me to eat carbs. and i am obedient.


10:30am. hangry. hungry + angry = hangry.
leftover chocolate protein mug cake from last night.

12:45pm. i packed up the leftovers from dinner last night, which was mexcellent night... so i had a container of chicken, veggies, black beans, avocados and tomatoes. and i brought an ezekiel sprouted grain tortilla (because carbs). and here's what happened: i put about half of the contents from the container into the tortilla, and it was a very full tortilla. like, it was hard to pick up and eat without causing a scene. as it was, i was really hoping that no one saw me eating, because it was not pretty.

and after i finished the burrito, i saw the container sitting there. and usually i would've shoveled it in. but not this time. i listened to that voice inside of myself that said "hmmm, i think i'm full..." and i waited a few minutes. and sure enough, i was. so i packed up the container and put it away. this is a good habit for me to practice. i don't have to eat everything that is put in front of me. i'm not oliver twist.
delicious. thank you, leftovers.


1:00pm. i left work because the badger was having a CT scan of his face and i needed to be home in case he wasn't done in time to pick up the kids from preschool. why the CT scan of his face? because he has chronic sinusitis and has since he was a kid and it's time to do something about it other than live on antibiotics. within one hour of the CT scan, his doctor called him and said something like "i know you have an appointment with your ENT next week, but the scan shows multiple sections of infection, despite the repeated antibiotic treatments. i'm calling in a prescription for a second-line antibiotic that i want you to start taking right away..." hang on to that story while we continue with the exciting events of my day.

2:30pm. at the gym. running. it was awesome. i've been running pretty consistently for about 2 1/2 weeks, and as i hoped, i'm starting to crave the run and love the run. i really needed that today, a run that reminded me why i love running. and i got it.

3:37pm. picked up the kids from school. i was 7 minutes late. nash and zeke were the last kids in their classroom and i felt like the worst mother on the planet. i apologized to them, and their teachers. they all just looked at me with grave disappointment.

4:00pm. home. the badger and i tried to figure out who was gonna get his prescriptions. after some deliberations, we nominated me. so off to target i went to get his prescription. get this. levaquin. mother fucking levaquin. you know what the pamphlet said as the first sentence description of the medicine?
this medicine is given to treat resistant bacterial infections, anthrax and the plague.
THE MOTHER FUCKING PLAGUE.

this sinusitis is serious shit, people.

4:40pm. home. and i have to get out of my sweaty running clothes, throw together some semblance of a dinner for myself and get to a rehearsal that starts at 5pm.

5:00pm. on the way to rehearsal, for which i will be late. but i made myself something that could travel and pass as "dinner". it wasn't a memorable meal. but i believe it was a good choice. a month ago, i would've hit a mcdonald's drive-through.
a kale-chocolate-cherry-peanut butter smoothie, a bag'o'baby'carrots, and a nalgene of water.

so. a long day, but another good day. i am not going to weigh myself tomorrow. i'm taking the scale to the basement as soon as i get done here.

until tomorrow,
ashley "there's someone in my head, but it's not me" rebekah

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