after. day 20.

i'm gonna start this blog by telling you about my day, and end my blog by asking you to do me a favor, or a "solid". so hang in there with me until the end.

6:12am. my children have no concept of what a saturday is. most people sleep in on saturdays. most people drink coffee in their bathrobes until 10am on saturdays. most people's children watch cartoons and eat cereal on their own on saturdays. not nash and zeke. oh no. they treat saturdays like any other day. meaning, the wake me up way too fucking early. and this morning, when they crawled into bed with me at 6:12am, they got into a screaming match over who could (or couldn't) see the stars behind the clouds. barely awake and listening to the two of them have a screaming match over the non-existent (or existent) stars was enough to send me over the edge... and it did. in a vocal tone that i wish to never use on my children again, i said "stop screaming at each other, and go downstairs. both of you. you can let levi out and you can get yourself some cereal..." cue the dramatic "but mom!" "but mom!" "but mom! "but MOM! he didn't see the stars first, I DID!" and again, in that tone i wish to never use again on my blessed children, i screamed "GO DOWNSTAIRS!"

they went, begrudgingly, and then i heard it. i heard nash sobbing, and i knew it was my fault.

i'm not perfect. i fucked up. all i could do at that point was go downstairs (which i was really trying to avoid in the first place) and apologize to her. which i did. and then i got a cup of coffee.

so really, we weren't off to a great start. but things got better.

7:00am. after the coffee, i shoveled this into my mouth:
ezekiel bread. peanut butter. honey.

the children got dressed and we piled into the car so i could take them for their weekly visit with the-man-who-sired-them. then i headed up to the gym for my first ever spin class. i got there about 30 minutes early because i've heard that the bikes fill up quickly. i walked in the studio and wouldn't you know it but about half of the bikes were already claimed with a towel or a water bottle. thankfully, there was a bike in the back row towards the corner where i could sort of hide. as people started piling into the class, a lovely lady named karen took the bike next to me and started telling me all kinds of things. finally we got around to the topic of class and i told her it was my first and she said "oh, you're in for a treat! sharon is awesome!", sharon being the instructor.

well in came sharon and i would've sworn it was michelle obama. seriously. same body type, same hair, same everything. she walked in to the clattering room of chit-chatty spinners and announced "good morning class! i hope you are ready to get uptown funk'd you up!" and i knew we were in for a treat. her playlist for class was non-stop awesome. she started off with chicago's "does anybody really know what time it is" and i knew this was gonna be good. we got some meaghan trainer, some ariana grande, some janet jackson, i'm telling you, it's like this lady crawled into my brain and picked every song that was gonna keep me moving this morning. and the very last song of the class was my absolutely favorite right now, uptown funk. the class was challenging, but totally do-able. i was a drippy sweaty mess at the end and i loved it:
how do i work this?

there was a brief moment of truth when i had to dismount from the bike after 60 minutes of spinning, and i nearly fell over and made a scene. but i grabbed onto the wall and just pretended i was stretching. #nailedit.

after showering, i realized how weak and hungry i was. but i was at the gym, didn't have any food with me, and was on my way to run a metric ton of errands. the best i could do in the situation was this:
7g of protein. and probably a lot of sugar too.
i made sure to stabilize all the sugar by slamming 16 oz of starbucks coffee with a shot of espresso.

2:00pm. after all the errand running, i got home and started making this recipe for stove-top carnitas. holy good gracious were these good! and so easy. the hardest part is just making sure you give yourself a good 3-4 hours for the recipe from start to finish. i also attempted to make chipotle's cilantro lime rice but with cauliflower in place of the rice. and then i roasted up some lemony brussels sprouts:
"i hope this meal is going on your blog. because it's good." - the badger

so here's the favor, or the "solid" i need to ask of you:

don't feel sorry for me, mmm'kay? i know, i know. sometimes the self-deprecation gets a little heavy on here. it's just part of my humor. and i know it keeps you guys coming back for more. i don't really think i'm grotesque, or obese. i do need to lose 20-25 pounds in order to feel and function better, but i am absolutely not pursuing some goal to wear size 4 pants. i've never been a size 4 and i never will be. i was born a 'jumbo' with big bones and big boobs. so be it. but that doesn't mean i need to weigh what i do right now. my frustration at the weigh-in and measurements yesterday was just me being honest about my journey, about trying to live in and create my "after" every day. and if i can't be honest on this blog, then i'm not sure that i want it. not every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. some days are gonna be vodka and self loathing. so promise to take everything i say here with a big grain of kosher salt (or himilayan sea salt, if you're into that kind of a thing). are we cool?

ashley "don't believe me, just watch" rebekah

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