i've been wanting to blog, but i haven't known exactly what to blog about. i don't have any grand overarching theme or anything to keep you on the edge of your seat (like counting down days of the 21 day fix or the whole30). but i love the accountability of having to write out my thoughts with regard to what i'm doing/not doing or eating/not eating. so i think i'm just going to write. with no purpose or countdown or ticker towards an event. i'm just going to write. so get ready for a whole lot of random and pointless shit.
so. the title of this post: after. this word has been swirling around in my head since mid-november. after... after... after... i think the obvious assumption of its meaning is that i'd love to get to my "after", as in "before and after", whether that be a number on a scale, or a progress picture to show that i've lost some weight and gained some strength.
but as i've sat with this word "after" since it came to me back in november, i think it's going to mean way more for me this year.
as in, there can be great life after whatever tragedy or insert-the-blank happened. there is life after what often feels like death. there can be joy after excruciating heartache. there is often beauty lurking around a corner after a lot of soul-sucking ugliness. and i think i've been kind of stuck - stuck in my before, in the things that have happened to me in the past. i've been living in that before and letting it own me, letting it decide who i would be, who i would resent, hate or judge, who to exclude because of association, who to protect myself from or not forgive. i've let my before become my here and now, and it's not doing me any favors. it's kept me stuck, stalled out mid-flight (or mid-commitment) and if i want to move forward, i have to see my after and start living it now.
so. i'm going to keep breathing this word after... after... after... in and out to myself this year as i fumble along. i guess this word is kind of taking place of my list of resolutions, of which there could be many (lose some weight, keep my face out of the candy at work, get healthy, stop biting my nails, quit with the self loathing, save some money, run some races, pay off some debt, be on time to work, run more, etc...). so instead of resolutions, just a word, my word: after.
but, of course, this wouldn't be a satisfying blog without me needlessly talking about food and showing you some shitty pictures! so! on to today!
today was pretty good, as far as not-eating-shit goes. i have a friend doing a whole30 paleo challenge thing this month and although it's inspiring, i'm not sure that i wanna go whole hog (pardon the pun) into the paleo thing again. we did it a couple of years ago, but it was difficult to maintain with the kids, and i'm not sure that whole grains are all that terrible for me. i just need to eat way fucking less of them than i currently do. so what i'm trying to do is eat real, whole foods and focus on getting the right protein and veggies/fruits each day before i start in with the oozy, drippy peanut buttery toast.
breakfast was a found-object smoothie: frozen banana, frozen berries, spinach, almond milk, greek yogurt and honey. i shared it with the kids and they loved it. little shits didn't even know they were eating spinach. i win. and then, around 10:30, before i got too crazy in the face and ran for the candy, i got a snack in my belly:
|two, count 'em, TWO hb eggs, some freggies and some almonds. and water #likeaboss.|
after that, i worked. my job is equally parts dumb and awesome. isn't that true for most people's jobs? then i took mom and dad to the airport. they have been with us since early december for the holidays and merriment and all of that. it was a nice visit, but i think they were very ready to get out of the -35 windchill and back to the 80 degree florida weather.
after the airport run, i had a big salad. it was boring.
then, i headed off to see my asthma doctor up in the northwest suburbs, since i had to be seen today and that's where he was. i don't know what it is about this particular suburb (eh hem, maple grove, eh hem), but people drive like a$$holes. seriously. the only way i could cope with all the a$$holery was to turn up that song "our love's in jeopardy, baby" by the greg kihn band, scream the lyrics and fucking join 'em. i was driving, like, 75+ in a 65 along with the other a$$holes and it just felt like the safest thing to do. also of note, the megachurch i use to work for is up in this particular suburb and i feel that the ratio of a$$hole to nice person on the roads accurately reflects that of inside the church.
anyways, where were we? oh yes. the asthma doctor. i flunked with flying colors my asthma control test and the breathing test. so it's yet another round of prednisone and antibiotics for this girl. i swear, someday i'm gonna get back to running. but until my lungs stop sounding like those of someone who's smoked for 70 years, i'm taking a break from exerting them.
oh, and then i got in the car and fuck all, it was snowing. so now we have a$$holes on the road, demons from my previous life as a megachurch "rock star" chasing me, AND SNOW. again, i felt that the best way to cope with all of this was to a) stop at whole foods for some overpriced hippie sustenance for the ride home, and b) crank up some angry music and drive fast.
|i don't know what macros are, but i guess i'm supposed to eat them?|
and yes i took this picture while driving, but we were stopped at a light. so quit it.
|every time i drink kombucha, my left eyelid swells. maybe i should stop?|
after cranking this up, the drive started to go a lot better. before i knew it, i was home in the loving/needy embrace of my children and husband, who had cooked dinner and set the table. what a guy!
|salad. steamed broccoli. and grassfed/"clean" meatloaf.|
and now here i sit, kind of wishing that i had more shitty pictures to show you, or something brilliant to say. but i don't. i was hoping to get a run/walk in tomorrow since i haven't moved my body in any significant way (other than lifting a drink to my lips) since before thanksgiving. but maybe we'll give the prednisone a few more days to work.
ashley "fast and angry" rebekah